Your cat wants to kill you

Preface: I’m not a cat hater, I have owned cats and like cats.  This is not meant to be taken seriously.  It is more of an outline for a book I’d like to write.  The different paragraphs pretty much represent different chapters.  If this offends you, then you take life too seriously and should concentrate on real problems, like toenail fungus.




Your cat wants to kill you.  Really, it does.  Before you laugh this all off, stop and think for just a moment.  It’s true.  Now just try to stay with me for a while, because I can prove it.


People have all of these set conceptions and ideas about how cats work, but it’s really a scam.  I once heard an old man warn that your cat uses your electrical appliances while you sleep.  This is probably true.  They are trying to understand all of our technology so they can use it against us.  That brings up another point, you know why most old people die?  It’s because they get cats, and cats get the best of them.  As we get older, we can’t defend against their powers, but this is all something to be discussed later.


Let’s start with kittens.  If you know anything about cats, you know they can’t be sold until they are about 8 weeks old.  That’s because during this early, crucial period, the parent cats teach the kittens everything about tricking humans.  Some are better than others.  You can tell the craftier kittens because those are the ones you’ll buy.  This means you’ve been tricked.  It’s okay, they’re tough to pass up.  They’re too good.  I suppose I should warn you of their tricks, not like it’ll help.  The classic and most effective ploy is the ball of yarn.  The little ball of fluff, legs and big yellow eyes usually rolls on it’s little back and looks as if it’s struggling to pick up the ball.  It’s really no struggle at all.  That sweet little kitten could pick up that ball and toss it hard enough to knock you unconscious.  Another classic trick is when they lay on the purring.  The balls sets the hook, the purring reels you in.  This little trick makes you think the cat is showing affection.  Wrong.  After these little displays, you’re probably writing a check and taking the kitten home.


Now that you’re a cat owner, you’re changed forever.  All of your furniture will probably be covered with sheets, you can forget about that leather chair.  You’ll have more scratching posts than you’d ever imagine and your kitchen and laundry room will turn into a kitty diner/bathroom.  That’s no even the worst part yet.  Soon you’ll realize that your cat is eating better than you.  You’ll begin to know when your cat wants to eat and adjust your schedule to fit its needs.  If your cat wants to be fed at 3AM, you’ll do it or else your cat will hold a grudge.  You don’t want that.  Your cat is already going to kill you, you don’t want to give it a reason to torture you.


Once your vat begins growing up, the leash it keeps you on will start growing shorter.  I mentioned some of the things this encompasses before.  You’re now a “cat person.”  This means that your cat will “wear the pants” in your household.  There are two major categories of cat people.  One is the type that will go around constantly talking about their cat… let’s call this person a “type A” cat person.  The next type, which we’ll call “type B,” does not go out, because they are constantly tending to their pet… or family member, as it usually becomes.


Type A cat owners are usually very superficial and egotistical people.  If that offended you, and you own a cat, you’re probably type A.  They are the types that live through their cats.  This may sound foolish, but it’s quite reasonable (many parents who feel unsuccessful live through their kid’s fame in a sport for example).  Type A cat owners will make up for their more modest lifestyle by buying their cat scratch post skyscrapers and premium cat-nip.  Their cat will probably be better groomed and wear more expensive jewelry around their necks than the owner.  Type A owners will sometimes enter their animals in pet shows, purely for self-gratification.  They usually buy their cat luxurious things to make up for the small amount of time they spend with their pet.  The cat prefers this.  They also buy lots of presents for bragging rights.  If you’ve ever started a sentence with “well MY cat…,” you’re a type A owner and your cat has you whipped.  A type A person will be the one who gives Christmas presents, “from Snuffles, or Boo Boo, or Mr. Fluffs.”  This is their way of saying “ha ha, my cat got people presents and your dog didn’t buy anyone a thing.”  Cats Singing the Hits is a big CD with type A cat people as well.  In general, type A owners are very annoying and the faster they disappear, the better.  The cats are doing us a favor in this instance.


Type B owners are completely different.  They are usually the cat owners you never hear about until something happens to them.  They will usually live alone and have multiple cats.  These people are generally old, but can be younger too.  They usually have sad existences, living only for the companionship of their furry friend.  Type B owners usually develop mental defects due to their seclusion.  Many times they will be paranoid or delusional, constantly spying on neighbors though their blinds or curtains.  Severe cases can involve covering walls with aluminum foil and wearing garden hoses.  These are the people who you usually skip when taking your kids trick-or-treating.


As I mentioned, type B owners are usually old.  If you remember, I said old people die mainly because they get cats.  That’s right, your great granny Milly didn’t die because she was 107, it was because she had that cat.  The way it works is like this:  When people start getting old, they aren’t as sociable and smell funny, so it’s hard to have companionship.  Acquiring a cat rectifies this problem.  Now there are many new problems.  Old people aren’t as quick whitedwitted due to the natural decay of brain cells, they can easily be tricked.  They may fall down some stairs or slip on a wet kitchen floor… whatever it is, it’s no accident.  This is all the cat.  Maybe the cat will run in front of the victim on the way down the stairs, or spill some water from a dish onto a tile floor.  This is all well within reason.  So next time the grandparents’ birthday comes around, think about some slippers instead of a new pet.


Old people tend to borrow bragging traits from type A cat people, but I never said you were strictly A or B.  They brag because they have nothing else to talk about.  Just one example of how you can cross the boundaries of the main types of cat people.


By now, you’ve spent a lot of time reading this.  Your cat has probably planned your demise while you were doing so.  Don’t worry, you still have ample time.  I think now is the perfect opportunity to discuss how you can be spared.  Something I didn’t mention before, for fear of feline persecution, is that your cat can be stopped.  Here’s how…


Feeding your cat is the first place to start.  Don’t let your cat treat you like a servant.  Invest in one of those automatic-feeding machines that will dispense food on set intervals.  Do the same with the water, that way your cat will think it has you beat while you’re barely lifting a finger.  Also, never get you cat that premium canned food.  This is a cat, not the queen of England, it can deal with the pellets.  If you’re wondering if your cat deserves treats, ask yourself these question; “does my cat… clean it’s own litter box, repair the claw damages in my couch, file my taxes, pay my taxes?”  If you could answer yes to these, on then does your cat deserve treats.  This is not abuse.  There are plenty of ways to show your love and affection for your cat without over-feeding it kitty junk food.


Cat toys are essential controlling your pet.  Don’t fall for the bells and squeaky things, those will only annoy YOU.  Get catnip toys, and lots of them.  You want your cat to be so heavily sedated that it couldn’t harm a fly.  I also recommend putting catnip where the animal sleeps, that will keep a constant supply available.


Your pet’s sleeping area is important too.  Twenty-three hours a day your cat is sleeping, they cause a lot of damage in that one hour.  You want to make your cat so comfortable that it will sleep an extra half-hour or more.  You only want your cat getting up when it needs food, water or to use the bathroom.  This extra laziness helps keep the cat’s muscles small and it’s stomach fat, making it less dangerous.


I suppose I don’t have much more help to offer.  Cats can be great pets, but they are a health risk if you’re not careful.  Maybe now that you have this knowledge you can survive cat ownership, but probably not.


Jay Ratkowski runs this joint, which is why his name is on the front door. You can find him elsewhere at Google+, Facebook, or Twitter

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Author: Jay

Jay Ratkowski runs this joint, which is why his name is on the front door. You can find him elsewhere at Google+, Facebook, or Twitter

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